I read this article very carefully. Nothing as painful happened to me that one time (touch wood) #comparisonsareodious. But I live with a kind of occasional fear, because every single day, we need to eat. I know only that an absolute angel at the next table saved me and I know also what I was thinking at that moment.
So what I’ve learnt quickly from the above is:
a) Forget the date. Forget the incident. It has to fade. From unfortunate experiences in the past, my internal memory (meaning the memory that enables me to feel the same anguish I feel at that moment) can last shockingly long. But it fades.
b) Excise it. There are ways to do it, and the funniest thing is that right after the incident, one of my thoughts was: I’m thrilled. Only because it enabled me to add new emotions and thoughts to my internal library / database, which I must quickly tap on. And the more swiftly I do so, the quickly the excision (?) will be.
I’m not one to suppress thoughts — simply because my life has been an exercise in anti-suppression, also known as “don’t force your kids not to snack ‘cos once they have spending power, they will get drunk on power” or “don’t study too hard ‘cos once you stop having to study, you will get drunk on power” etc.
But I can excise in certain ways. Half a year ago, I stumbled upon a reminder of something that had happened years ago, and I found that I had completely forgotten about it, and that the sting was gone. Okay, maybe it helped that one of my best friends had passed some comment about it. But I think utilizing the experience for the better helped.
c) Just eat more carefully, and don’t eat foods I can’t handle.
d) There was a loneliness I felt as I contemplated things, but there’s nothing to be gained from thinking that the future will be unfortunate.
e) If I can, I shall eat standing up and watching Kinoshita Yuka, because she distracts me sufficiently. And I shall eat with a mug of water nearby. Those are the rules for now, plus (c).
f) Also, I shall go watch a film that will make me cry very hard, so that I can feel better. Yes, sometimes subconscious suppression still exists.
g) Live lah. Got many many more ballets and dances to watch leh.
The next thing to google is how to fight sleep paralysis 😦 #tmi